Second Loves And What They Feel Like.

Falling in love for the first time is like being an adrenaline junkie and jumping off a cliff, full of naive courage and only thinking of the wind rushing through your hair. But your second love is harder because as you lay there on the sharp rocks, the adrenaline of the flight down wearing off and your body battered, bruised and bleeding, you’ll promise yourself to never go through anything that risky, that damaging ever again, because it’s just not worth it. 

The ecstasy is not worth the pain.

You’ll promise yourself to never let your fragile heart in someone else’s ruthless palms ever again after seeing it smash down onto the rocks and scatter into a million pieces, and as the water will start to rise, tides lapping up the shore, at first the cool water will feel good on your broken body until you’ll realize it’s pulling you out to sea now, and you’ll hold on to whatever rocks you can, cutting your hands and making rivulets of blood flow down your arms, to keep yourself from going into the water because you know you won’t be able to keep afloat, but the water is strong, and you are not, and now you’re in the water with no more energy. You’ll stop fighting, and go under water, but you will not drown. You’ll sink to the bottom of the sea, and sometimes swallow salty sea water that burns down your throat, but you’ll be alive, and you’ll be more alive than you’ll have ever been, sitting on the seabed with the fishes around you, and you’ll realize that maybe you thought yourself stupid for thinking you’d be one of those who found their wings on the way down from the cliff and flew off into glorious sunsets, but you’ll know you were stupid for fighting the water when you’ll find that you can breathe in the sea easier than you did in the purest of air. This is where you were meant to be, and you know now that anything can happen.

You believe again.

This is what your second love is like.

Image taken from here.


Listen, it’s been too long now, okay? Too goddamn long, and you need to leave. You need to get out of my heart because I won’t be letting you stay in here anymore, not when you’ve smashed every glass window and every mirror into a million shards and ripped every door off it’s hinges, not when you’ve left coffee stains on the walls from still drunken rages the mornings after. I’m boarding it up now. Maybe someday I’ll find the courage to renovate this house that you’ve destroyed and turn it into a home again, but for now I’ll board up the shattered windows and doors so that the splinters and the words we never yelled at each other don’t hurt anyone else. Maybe I won’t. My sixth grade teacher once told me that sometimes places never recover after they’ve been hit by hurricanes. Maybe it’s the same for people too. 


Lessons You’ll Learn The Hard Way.

I thought a bit about you today.

I’m sorry. Not for anything I did, no, I’m sorry because she didn’t turn out the way I know you were and are still so desperately praying she would be, with eyes all tightly closed, and you don’t even know that yet. I’m sorry you didn’t get your happy ending, but darling, didn’t I tell you I wish you got what you deserve? You did. As pitiful as you are right now, I’m not sorry at all for the way karma delivered you your lesson on a silver platter with sharp jagged ends, and you’re still holding onto it with all your strength; to you, it’s a gift from fate itself.

But I hope you’ve learned your lesson now, and I hope you remember how many times I tried to teach you the exactly same thing, just without the bucketfuls of pain, anger and guilt that’ll be wrecking you and tearing you apart when you find out, and I hope you know, that you brought this one, and the one before, onto yourself, love.

Didn’t I tell you, some wars are better won with karma on your side? You should’ve listened.

A Beautiful Night.


As I walked, I looked down at my feet. In the dark, stormy night, I could barely see their outline as they slapped against the cobblestoned bridge, one after the other. It was only when I had reached the middle of the bridge, that I looked up, and the moon came out from behind it’s clouded veil at that very moment, as if it had been waiting for me to look up. The wind blew softly, pushing back my hair, flapping my coat against my knees. Pulling it tighter around me, I looked to the sky, at the stars, for one last time, ingraining the image in my mind; it was a beautiful night. With a sigh, I looked down at the water before my thoughts took a darker turn, no, I would not spend my last moments worrying about you.
The water churned and swirled in the dark, as if it were alive and if I closed my eyes I could almost feel it’s hunger, it’s beckoning. Taking a deep breath, I finally stopped struggling to keep out thoughts of you, allowing them to flood me just as I let loose my weight, leaning and then toppling over the bridge, into the waters below. It truly felt as if time had ceased to exist; by the time I had splashed into the water, it felt as if an eternity had passed contemplating the shape of your eyes, your crooked smile, and the way your eyes would squint in the sunlight. The water was cool and welcoming, it’s gentle lulls soothing me as it caressed my face, gently tugging at my ankles, taking me downwards slowly as I let it. I breathed in the water, feeling strangely calm, as my body reacted to it; my lungs burnt and a hacking cough rose in my chest as they tried to expel the foreign liquid, only to result in swallowing more water. I smiled at the irony, at the chaos and the calm, and thought about you some more; your laugh and the look on your face when you were in deep thought. My vision had become spotted now, and was rapidly turning to black, I could feel my body giving up slowly and suddenly, I felt tired, so tired, my body had struggled too much. I was about to close my eyes, when I saw you reaching out in the water above me, hands trying to grasp onto me, to pull me out, but I just smiled, and though I’ll never know what you interpreted my smile as, I smiled because I had finally found peace, I knew that it was too late, that try as you might, you’d never reach me in time. My vision had completely blackened over now, and I thought of how the water takes back what belongs to it; born at sea, my life had ended in the liquid of life too. I could sense it, I was going, and right before I lost myself, I saw the night sky again and thought that it was truly a beautiful night, a beautiful night to die.


A million restless

Words and snippets

Lie under my skin


To be let out.

They had been dissolved

To calm their ragings,

But now they boil

And with them

My blood;

I wonder how

Long it is

Until I succumb

And let them out

Leaving faint white reminders

Of what it means

To be a writer.


“No matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters.

There are times I doubt you love me but even if you do, it doesn’t matter, because I’m a bleeding mess, and no matter how much you try, you’ll never get over your fear of blood. You can try and put up a brave facade all you want my dear, it’s quite endearing to be honest, but you don’t deserve this. You deserve sunshine and flowers, and a girl who smells like strawberries and happiness, not misery and broken pieces. If you have any idea of what’s good for you, you should turn around and leave right now. Because you will someday. Rather sooner than later when it’s easier for both of us, because you will turn away, no matter how vehemently you deny that right now; once my pool of blood starts growing bigger and bigger, you will start stepping back, and you will keep on stepping to avoid the blood, until all my blood will have left the veins it was supposed to flow in, and you will be too far a speck in the distance to see my fall.


The background on my phone is my favorite picture of us, my gallery is filled with memories of you. My inbox contains a thousand messages that I’ve sent to you since last night, and my arms are scarred with fears of losing you, yet, i try to maintain the lie; I came here to get away from your omnipresent thoughts.

The jagged rocks on these mountains remind me of your sharp edges, pretty to look at from afar, but lethal if you get too close; the daisies between them of the hope that maybe I am strong enough to bleed on those edges and survive. The cloudy sky reminds me of your dark days, and the stars that twinkle through them of your eyes in the happiest of times; the tall , evergreen conifers of how you have endured all, and the white swing in the manicured lawn of the emptiness by my side.

A Sky Full Of Stars

In a sky full of stars,

I think I saw you,

But then haven’t I

Been seeing you everywhere?

In strangers on the streets,

And in captivating sunsets,

Never more captivating

Than your sleepy eyes ever were,

And in calming blue waves

Never more soothing than the sound of your voice;

Waves which might rage in turmoil

But will never exceed the ravaging of my heart,

In your absence.

And I saw your outline in the cloudy day sky,

I heard you laughing in my thoughts,

The sound as clear as ever,

And I’ve been seeing you everywhere I see beauty

So why should the clear night sky,

Be an exception to my



Life Is Confusing

Life is confusing,

And it works in strange ways

There is no surety of

What tomorrow brings,

If things will stay the same

As they are today,

And it scares me

To think there might be

A day when we don’t talk

When we’ll be strangers;

Pass each other

On the road

And not recognize

That twinkle in your eyes,

But pass it off to tiredness

And an overactive imagination.

And maybe this fear is why

I clutch so hard

To keep you with me,

It might be suffocating to you

But please try to understand

It is only my love for you,

And fear of the unknown,

That makes me behave as such,

And if I could get the assurance

That we’d never turn into strangers

Then I could stop being so irrational

And give you your breathing space.

But life changes,

And so do people

And promises do not take much

To be broken,

So please try to understand

That I cannot help myself

And I wish I wasn’t so afraid

But I am,

Of life, of changes, of tomorrow,

And most importantly,

Of what will happen

If we turn into strangers.

Wars of the Mind

Each day

I am left wondering

If it was true

That you loved me,

I am left doubting

My own self and existence

A part of me refuses to believe

Dismissing the notion as

Too good to be true

But there is another part

That you have taught hope to

And it fights back.

I am caught between the wars

Of my own mind

And it is killing me;

The noise as each side yells

To prove their own victory.

And I think how much easier

Everything would be

If you just chose one side,

But it seems like you too

Have a war going on

Between logic and insecurities,

And I believe it is a much more dangerous one

For insecurities are sly demons,

They can make you believe they’re logic,

That I can never fall in love with you,

But oh, my dear,

What if I already have?

For each day,

As it passes

Sees me wanting

To see the hopeful side

Come out victorious

More and more.