Lessons You’ll Learn The Hard Way.

I thought a bit about you today.

I’m sorry. Not for anything I did, no, I’m sorry because she didn’t turn out the way I know you were and are still so desperately praying she would be, with eyes all tightly closed, and you don’t even know that yet. I’m sorry you didn’t get your happy ending, but darling, didn’t I tell you I wish you got what you deserve? You did. As pitiful as you are right now, I’m not sorry at all for the way karma delivered you your lesson on a silver platter with sharp jagged ends, and you’re still holding onto it with all your strength; to you, it’s a gift from fate itself.

But I hope you’ve learned your lesson now, and I hope you remember how many times I tried to teach you the exactly same thing, just without the bucketfuls of pain, anger and guilt that’ll be wrecking you and tearing you apart when you find out, and I hope you know, that you brought this one, and the one before, onto yourself, love.

Didn’t I tell you, some wars are better won with karma on your side? You should’ve listened.

A Beautiful Night.

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As I walked, I looked down at my feet. In the dark, stormy night, I could barely see their outline as they slapped against the cobblestoned bridge, one after the other. It was only when I had reached the middle of the bridge, that I looked up, and the moon came out from behind it’s clouded veil at that very moment, as if it had been waiting for me to look up. The wind blew softly, pushing back my hair, flapping my coat against my knees. Pulling it tighter around me, I looked to the sky, at the stars, for one last time, ingraining the image in my mind; it was a beautiful night. With a sigh, I looked down at the water before my thoughts took a darker turn, no, I would not spend my last moments worrying about you.
The water churned and swirled in the dark, as if it were alive and if I closed my eyes I could almost feel it’s hunger, it’s beckoning. Taking a deep breath, I finally stopped struggling to keep out thoughts of you, allowing them to flood me just as I let loose my weight, leaning and then toppling over the bridge, into the waters below. It truly felt as if time had ceased to exist; by the time I had splashed into the water, it felt as if an eternity had passed contemplating the shape of your eyes, your crooked smile, and the way your eyes would squint in the sunlight. The water was cool and welcoming, it’s gentle lulls soothing me as it caressed my face, gently tugging at my ankles, taking me downwards slowly as I let it. I breathed in the water, feeling strangely calm, as my body reacted to it; my lungs burnt and a hacking cough rose in my chest as they tried to expel the foreign liquid, only to result in swallowing more water. I smiled at the irony, at the chaos and the calm, and thought about you some more; your laugh and the look on your face when you were in deep thought. My vision had become spotted now, and was rapidly turning to black, I could feel my body giving up slowly and suddenly, I felt tired, so tired, my body had struggled too much. I was about to close my eyes, when I saw you reaching out in the water above me, hands trying to grasp onto me, to pull me out, but I just smiled, and though I’ll never know what you interpreted my smile as, I smiled because I had finally found peace, I knew that it was too late, that try as you might, you’d never reach me in time. My vision had completely blackened over now, and I thought of how the water takes back what belongs to it; born at sea, my life had ended in the liquid of life too. I could sense it, I was going, and right before I lost myself, I saw the night sky again and thought that it was truly a beautiful night, a beautiful night to die.

Relapse

A million restless

Words and snippets

Lie under my skin

Itching

To be let out.

They had been dissolved

To calm their ragings,

But now they boil

And with them

My blood;

I wonder how

Long it is

Until I succumb

And let them out

Leaving faint white reminders

Of what it means

To be a writer.

Hemophobia

“No matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters.

There are times I doubt you love me but even if you do, it doesn’t matter, because I’m a bleeding mess, and no matter how much you try, you’ll never get over your fear of blood. You can try and put up a brave facade all you want my dear, it’s quite endearing to be honest, but you don’t deserve this. You deserve sunshine and flowers, and a girl who smells like strawberries and happiness, not misery and broken pieces. If you have any idea of what’s good for you, you should turn around and leave right now. Because you will someday. Rather sooner than later when it’s easier for both of us, because you will turn away, no matter how vehemently you deny that right now; once my pool of blood starts growing bigger and bigger, you will start stepping back, and you will keep on stepping to avoid the blood, until all my blood will have left the veins it was supposed to flow in, and you will be too far a speck in the distance to see my fall.

Lies.

The background on my phone is my favorite picture of us, my gallery is filled with memories of you. My inbox contains a thousand messages that I’ve sent to you since last night, and my arms are scarred with fears of losing you, yet, i try to maintain the lie; I came here to get away from your omnipresent thoughts.

The jagged rocks on these mountains remind me of your sharp edges, pretty to look at from afar, but lethal if you get too close; the daisies between them of the hope that maybe I am strong enough to bleed on those edges and survive. The cloudy sky reminds me of your dark days, and the stars that twinkle through them of your eyes in the happiest of times; the tall , evergreen conifers of how you have endured all, and the white swing in the manicured lawn of the emptiness by my side.

A Sky Full Of Stars

In a sky full of stars,

I think I saw you,

But then haven’t I

Been seeing you everywhere?

In strangers on the streets,

And in captivating sunsets,

Never more captivating

Than your sleepy eyes ever were,

And in calming blue waves

Never more soothing than the sound of your voice;

Waves which might rage in turmoil

But will never exceed the ravaging of my heart,

In your absence.

And I saw your outline in the cloudy day sky,

I heard you laughing in my thoughts,

The sound as clear as ever,

And I’ve been seeing you everywhere I see beauty

So why should the clear night sky,

Be an exception to my

Melancholy

Heartbreak?

Life Is Confusing

Life is confusing,

And it works in strange ways

There is no surety of

What tomorrow brings,

If things will stay the same

As they are today,

And it scares me

To think there might be

A day when we don’t talk

When we’ll be strangers;

Pass each other

On the road

And not recognize

That twinkle in your eyes,

But pass it off to tiredness

And an overactive imagination.

And maybe this fear is why

I clutch so hard

To keep you with me,

It might be suffocating to you

But please try to understand

It is only my love for you,

And fear of the unknown,

That makes me behave as such,

And if I could get the assurance

That we’d never turn into strangers

Then I could stop being so irrational

And give you your breathing space.

But life changes,

And so do people

And promises do not take much

To be broken,

So please try to understand

That I cannot help myself

And I wish I wasn’t so afraid

But I am,

Of life, of changes, of tomorrow,

And most importantly,

Of what will happen

If we turn into strangers.

Wars of the Mind

Each day

I am left wondering

If it was true

That you loved me,

I am left doubting

My own self and existence

A part of me refuses to believe

Dismissing the notion as

Too good to be true

But there is another part

That you have taught hope to

And it fights back.

I am caught between the wars

Of my own mind

And it is killing me;

The noise as each side yells

To prove their own victory.

And I think how much easier

Everything would be

If you just chose one side,

But it seems like you too

Have a war going on

Between logic and insecurities,

And I believe it is a much more dangerous one

For insecurities are sly demons,

They can make you believe they’re logic,

That I can never fall in love with you,

But oh, my dear,

What if I already have?

For each day,

As it passes

Sees me wanting

To see the hopeful side

Come out victorious

More and more.

Of Nostalgia And The Night Sky.

Even if everything falls apart, the moon will still be exceptionally beautiful on dark nights. The stars will still glimmer enticingly, teasing you, reminding you of the naive dreams you once had, to capture the night sky into a glass jar to keep by your bed side, dreams that you have long since labelled ‘impossible’ and discarded. The night will bring with it nostalgia and a plethora of memories that you cannot escape from, memories of the boy who smelt like lemons and winter, frosty to the touch, but with a heart that burnt with the fire of hell, or the girl with autumn leaves in her hair rather than flowers, who loved to sit outside quietly during the worst of thunderstorms with her eyes closed. Try all you might, squeezing your eyes close so tightly you see galaxies on the inside your eyelids, but you will not be able to rid your mind of images of the people who gave you their all, putting their heart in the palm of your hands, only to have you throw it all away ruthlessly. It’ll come back to haunt you now, how instead of cherishing them, you broke them into a million pieces, and now these thoughts of regret will break you so.
So climb onto the roof with your pack of cigarettes and a lighter and try to smoke away the pain in vain, because the worst is yet to come.

Fears And Nightmares.

I would like to rip you apart,

Piece by piece,

Fling you off into the sun,

Stab your heart,

Let you bleed out each scarlet drop,

Set you on fire,

Or freeze you into an iceberg.

I would like to destroy you in the most torturous of ways

Because what you did to me

Was worse;

You tore away my sanity,

Even after you saw

My desperate attempts to hold on,

Even after you knew,

It was my second worst fear,

The first being,

Losing you

But don’t they say,

Nightmares are dreams too,

That can come true?