You ask me who I am. My mind screams the word at me, daring me to let it spill from my lips. A four letter word: liar.
Because that is who I am.
Because that is what I start and end every day with. Lies repeated to myself, sometimes out loud, sometimes just in my mind.
A three word lie, over and over, with each beat of my heart.
I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.
NO. NO. NO.
My mind screams back at me.
That’s a white lie. Sometimes I am not.
Not during the day, never during the day. The days are safe- except for golden sunlight, it reminds me of you.
But I don’t go out at all these days, and remind is such a funny word. I don’t even know you.
I don’t even know if you exist.
And the nights. The nights. The nights.
You are my sunshine. But the stars are cold, the moon is cold.
The chill has sunk into my soul.
Where are you, my sunshine?
Will you please come to me?
Why won’t you come to me? I even write you letters, so many of them. They don’t fit in the dusty space under my bed anymore.
Please, just come and hold me. Show me you are real. Show me my happiness can be real too. That it doesn’t have to always be hollow. Just come and hold me. And never leave.
Many people are whole, even on their own. I am not. I was never made to be.
I am waiting. I’ll be waiting for ever. Please, listen to my plea for once.
I don’t want to drown here anymore. Pull me out and let me breathe. You’re the only one who can.
So you ask me who I am. I do not know.
But I can tell you just what I am. Incomplete.