A Liar’s Ramblings.

You ask me who I am. My mind screams the word at me, daring me to let it spill from my lips. A four letter word: liar.
Because that is who I am.
Because that is what I start and end every day with. Lies repeated to myself, sometimes out loud, sometimes just in my mind.
A three word lie, over and over, with each beat of my heart.

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

But-
NO. NO. NO.
My mind screams back at me.
That’s a white lie. Sometimes I am not.

Many times.

Not during the day, never during the day. The days are safe- except for golden sunlight, it reminds me of you.
But I don’t go out at all these days, and remind is such a funny word. I don’t even know you.
I don’t even know if you exist.

And the nights. The nights. The nights.

You are my sunshine. But the stars are cold, the moon is cold.
The chill has sunk into my soul.
Where are you, my sunshine?
Will you please come to me?

Why won’t you come to me? I even write you letters, so many of them. They don’t fit in the dusty space under my bed anymore.

Many people are whole, even on their own.
I am not. I was never made to be.
I am waiting. I’ll be waiting for ever.
Please, listen to my pleas for once.

I don’t want to drown here anymore. Pull me out and let me breathe. You’re the only one who can.

So you ask me who I am. I do not know.
But I can tell you just what I am- incomplete.

I Will Not Apologize.

The sun apologizing for burning too bright,
It has never been heard of;
The moon apologizing for days when it must hide away,
It has never been heard of;
The stars apologizing for their incessant twinkling,
It has never been heard of;
The clouds apologizing for veiling the sky’s blue with their cottony embrace,
It has never been heard of;
The mountains apologizing for marring the earth with their magnificence,
It has never been heard of;
The sea apologizing for churning too chaotically;
It has never been heard of;
Why then, my dear,
Must I apologize
For burning as bright as the sun,
And then hiding away like the moon,
For eyes that twinkle like the stars,
But are veiled the very next moment,
For standing tall and magnificent,
With tornadoes raging inside me,
Why must I apologize for my greatness,
When I was born with universes inside of me,
Bursting to be let out?
And if it is too much for you to take in,
I will not apologize for being who I am,
You can go waste your time away
You can go
Find another puppet.


Image taken from here.

Old Times’ Sake.

If you must act so insolently

Just because my blue skies

Are now grey thunderstorms

You cannot bear the sound of,

Please continue,

Only remember that even today,

If you were to hand me a cup of poison,

I would gladly drink it for old times’ sake.


Painting: “Sophonisba Receiving the Poisoned Cup” by Rembrandt.

A Sky Full Of Stars

In a sky full of stars,

I think I saw you,

But then haven’t I

Been seeing you everywhere?

In strangers on the streets,

And in captivating sunsets,

Never more captivating

Than your sleepy eyes ever were,

And in calming blue waves

Never more soothing than the sound of your voice;

Waves which might rage in turmoil

But will never exceed the ravaging of my heart,

In your absence.

And I saw your outline in the cloudy day sky,

I heard you laughing in my thoughts,

The sound as clear as ever,

And I’ve been seeing you everywhere I see beauty

So why should the clear night sky,

Be an exception to my

Melancholy

Heartbreak?

Sleepless Insanity.

It is said those who don’t sleep

Confuse dream with reality.

First you took away my sleep,

And now you’re clutching at my sanity.


Image credits: Tauba Auerbach

Grey Tiredness.

A tiredness hard to imagine

Dwells in the sunsets of your eyes,

A tiredness hard to imagine

In an eighteen year old,

As if you still carry

All the burdens of your past lives.

There dwells

A resignation to fate,

A resignation to whatever life throws at you,

A never-ending monotony

That seems impossible to get rid of,

No matter how hard I try

And it gets to me,

It pulls at the strings of my heart,

Makes me want to rip

All my skin off;

I want to scream,

Hit you hard,

Anything

To save you from drowning

In this grey,

But nothing seems to work

And I just watch helplessly

As you sink deeper

And deeper

Into the quicksand

While I stand

On cracking ice

Myself.


Image taken from here.

 

Temporary.

Light strobes flashing;

Purple, blue, red and green,

Cutting through the haze,

Gray with pretty colors in between

Closed eyes, slumped bodies,

Worshipers in the temple of euphoria,

All in seek end up here;

This is the end to the exalted quest

Of happiness, of purpose, of lost innocence,

And what better way to gain all these,

Than lose yourself in blue euphoria,

Cut off from reality,

Even if just for a short while?


Image taken from: Tauba Auerbach

 

Please.

Please don’t let me fight all my demons,

Alone,

And please do not try to fight all your demons,

Alone,

Because neither of us is strong enough to

Survive the fight,

I swear I can’t take anymore

Sleepless nights.

Can’t you see, I’m already

Falling apart?

Only a day without you and

It’s breaking my heart.

Happiness?

Lately, I’ve noticed happiness creeping in,
Stealthily,
Quietly.
I’m always too busy laughing to confront it,
To ask
Where it had been for the past few years,
Where it was when I needed it the most,
But suddenly, it is there
And its presence hits me in the face
In the middle of a laugh,
So hard that it takes me a minute or two,
To breath normally again.
It fills me up from the inside,
And I realize
I am content,
I am happy,
And when I say I’m fine,
For once,

I really mean it.

Home.

Oh, we were such a paradox, darling,

No wonder everything turned out as it did;

We were never made to last,

Not even for long,

And my life is a never ending summer now,

But summer was never our season anyways,

Our times of the day were always

The brightest and the darkest,

The noon and the night,

But I like dawns,

And late afternoons now

Because the sky has never turned

Golden to purple, with all the colors in between

As I looked at you,

The sun has never been on the verge of disappearing,

It’s eternal road run for the day,

As I’ve dreamt about you.

It has never heard me describe to it out loud,

How your eyes crinkled when you smiled,

No,

That was always the moon,

Burdened with my quiet tears

Of bittersweet agony

In the screaming dark;

Oh darling,

You were poison to the fragments of rotten soul

Residing in my gut,

But let’s not forget it was I,

Who decided to drink up

Every

Last

Drop

In my search

For ecstasy and a ribcage

I could burrow into and call

“Home”.


Image credits: Shafaq Mujtaba

Also, guys, I’ve just posted a poem on The Artistics as well! Check it out now!