A Letter From The Sadist Inside.

My darling,
I know it’s so troublesome to think about right now, that in less than 3 months you’ll probably never see him again, but oh, my dear, you’ll get through it. I know it feels so much harder to hold on to this tiny ledge, and so much easier to just let go, fall off into the gray mist of insanity, with these the only thoughts in your mind, asleep or awake, ticking off second by second.
It’s a goddamn time bomb, and we both know that when it bursts, the shrapnel will only bury itself deeper into your rotten brain and bleeding heart, but you will get through it all. You will get through even if it seems so much easier to let out all your agony in bloody rivulets dripping down your arms, it is much easier, letting your tired heart rest forever now, but no. You have things to do before that can happen, lives to change, lives to save. So you will trudge on, breath by breath, even if your lungs feel like they’re filled to the brim with muddy murk, until one day, it’ll be gone.
Or maybe it won’t.
Maybe, for every day for the rest of your life, you’ll have to wake up with the murk suffocating you, and you will have no choice but to get used to it, breaking down every night when it gets too much, when you miss him beyond thoughts, when you hate him for ruining the world for you. But every morning, you’ll put on that mask again, and act as if the world’s still pure. You have no other choice.
And if the thought gets too much?
Let yourself remember.
Let yourself break all over again, just for those few moments of exhilaration.
Sometimes you need to remain broken. I’ve heard its good for art.
Because we both know, there’s no way in Elysium or Tartarus that you’ll ever be able to forget him, his passions, his dreams, his smile, him.


Image taken from Tumblr.

 

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41 thoughts on “A Letter From The Sadist Inside.”

    1. It might be hard for me to explain, and harder for you to understand if you haven’t felt it, but sometimes when someone or something, or the memories you’ve had with them mean an awful lot to you, it isn’t so easy to forget. Those memories have intertwined themselves with the very fiber of your being; to forget them would mean to forget parts of yourselves, or even who you are.

      Liked by 6 people

        1. Maybe you’re right about that, maybe I don’t. Not when the highs are worth a million lows.
          And plus, moving on? Does it really count when I know I’ll remember forever?
          Because that is the way I am. I remember moments, and I remember days, and I remember them forever. Sometimes I think I’ll remember even if I get amnesia.

          Liked by 1 person

                1. I wouldn’t agree to that. Not all women are same, maybe you’ve just been around those who are this way.
                  However, it might also be because women tend to attach more emotional importance to memories and little moments at times than men do?
                  At times like these, all I can think is how true the line “Women are from Venus, men are from Mars” truly is.

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                    1. Emotions, in my opinion, aren’t animals that need to be caged. Suppressing them only leads to a buildup and then a huge burst which ruins a lot more than the emotions might originally have. I’d rather let my emotions out, feel them to the fullest.
                      After all, emotions are what makes us human, that is what’s the difference between humans and robots.

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                    2. But that, you see, is precisely the issue. I let my emotions flow out as tears, on paper as words, but the onslaught, the tsunami never seems to end. They flow on and on with the same never-wavering force, as if the dam has only just burst open.
                      And I can’t seem to find a way to close the tap.

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  1. I read this and it felt like I wrote it. contrary to what many people think moving isn’t easy at all. the memories will sweep your mind with bitter-sweet nostalgia and then your skin will pine the touch of the missing loved and that’s when you’ll know how brittle a heart can be. You write raw, I love this.

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    1. I’d never heard of this before, but WOW. I could really understand what was meant by ‘the difference between kirei-merely “pretty”-and omoshiroi, the interestingness that kicks something into the realm of beautiful’ part. Truly wonderful.
      Thank you so much for sharing this with me. πŸ™‚

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  2. This letter has touched me so deeply…I can relate so well to what you’ve expressed. I enjoyed the exchange of comments between you and ajaykohli; it is indeed difficult – perhaps even impossible – for someone to understand the pervasiveness of these memories without having experienced such a deep connection firsthand.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve had people ask me about it before, and it’s happened enough times for me to realize this is one of the things in life you never understand until you experience.
      And I’m glad you could relate. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ve got me hooked ❀ … Somethings, events and people are never really forgotten. They lurk around poisoning and leaving traces of their occurrence in nearly everything you do for the rest of your life.
    Thanks for visiting my blog πŸ˜‰

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